Mountain Sober

Last night I made it home much earlier than I expected; I hadn't really expected to get home until 8 or 9pm, but thankfully traffic was light and I didn't hit snow, and made it home around 6:30.  I had been planning to let the time of day (late) drive my not drinking, but after a 4+ hour drive, I felt like a cocktail. I had one cocktail, and later 2 glasses of wine, which believe it or not, is a light drinking day for me.  I woke up this morning feeling mostly good, no headache and just the slightest sour stomach. From the times I've tried it before, cold turkey doesn't work for me, but perhaps slowly cutting back will.  3 drinks is not great, but it's better than 6 or 7.  Can I turn 3 into 2 into 1 into 0? One strategy I'm thinking of is identifying something happening the next day that I want to feel good and clear headed for.  Tomorrow it's the trip down the mountain to visit with my mom.  Friday it's a possible ski day.  Saturday is swim less...

I went to sleep sober last night but awoke multiple times drenched in cold sweat.  This has happened to me a few times when I refrain from alcohol, but lately hasn't been happening.  Could be the new environment of a hotel room, or maybe something else.  Anyhow, I'm planning on not drinking again tonight, and hope it doesn't persist. Even with the discomfort of sweaty cold pajamas, I woke up feeling clear headed and with no trace of a stomach ache.  I was up at 6:45 and on the treadmill by 7:15.  After a shower and getting cleaned up I enjoyed a relaxing breakfast, all the time feeling happy and proud that I stopped after one drink yesterday. 

The last couple days I've intended to not drink.  And then the end of the day rolls around, I'm at my wits end with a screaming child going through an intense clingy phase, and I go against what I've been planning all day and have a drink.  Why is that? Tonight was a bit of a different story, I'm traveling for work and so for once have the entire evening to myself.  I once again intended not to drink.  I thought about ordering some takeout, but decided to head out given I'm in the middle of a major metropolitan city right now, and it's always fun to dine at a good restaurant.  I ended up choosing a sushi spot a few blocks away, and after perusing the menu I decided to order a sake.  Same. Old. Routine.  But the difference tonight is I stopped after one.  I left the restaurant, and while I had a very fleeting thought of stopping to buy some wine, it passed quickly and I headed back to my hotel.  I also had a fleeting thought to stop and ...

Guilt.  Shame.  Self-doubt. Those are all things that I feel a lot, especially when I have been drinking, or am currently drinking. Why am I so weak? Why is my drinking still a problem though I've been aware of it for over a decade now? What would people think of me if they knew how much I actually drink? How is my drinking negatively affecting my health that I'm unaware of? I can't seem to lose weight though I eat decently well.  Is it because I drink so much? Why can't I even talk to my husband, family, or closest friends about my concerns over my drinking? So much shame!  I deeply desire to be free from it, but yet I continue to drink.

A few days ago, I woke up with a wine-induced headache and stomach ache.  I came out to the kitchen to make breakfast and when I opened the fridge to grabs some eggs, I was greeted with a strange sight -- a bottle of unopened white wine with a broken corkscrew in the cork. While I wasn't the culprit for this particular oddity, I am sure I played a part. I think we got that corkscrew about 10 years ago, and since then it's probably opened on the order of 5,500 or more bottles of wine.  That's right.  The math is 10 years * 365 days * 1.5 bottles of wine per night = 5,475.  Honestly it's probably more than that, but I'm certain a decent percentage of the wine bottles we've opened were screw tops, so probably didn't contribute to the demise of the corkscrew. I drink a lot, way too much actually.  Every day. I recently took a survey on DrinkAware, and it said that 99% of people likely drink less than I do.  Ouch.  I think I've known I was a problem d...