Returning to this blog, I report that I haven't made any large life changes regarding my use of alcohol in the past six months. I was motivated in January, but my motivation waned after just a couple weeks. Why is that?
Since then, I've had periods of less drinking, and periods of more, but overall it's remained pretty consistent that I continue to drink more than I feel is acceptable. Sometimes it's just 2 drinks, but more frequently it's 4-5 each evening.
I'm going to try a different approach. I created a spreadsheet where for the next four weeks I will record my planned and actual amount of drinking. Given that right now I am tending towards 4-5 drinks per day, I am going to first taper that rather than going to 0 immediately. That approach has not worked for me time and again. I will make a plan one week at a time, and record my results each day.
Also, I have set a deadline in my calendar for 4 weeks from now, August 13. If I have not made a significant change, then I commit to making an appointment with the family health center to explore how to get external help.
Other strategies that I plan to pursue are 1) reduce the amount of alcohol we keep in the house. Normally we have a stocked wine cabinet and stocked liquor cabinet with gin, vodka, bourbon, tequila, and all sorts of apertifs, bitters, etc. My typical go-to's are gin, white wine, rose wine, and bourbon. S regularly partakes in gin and white wine, so those will be the hardest for me to deal with since they will be around. 2) Lean on low alcohol options, like Lilet and soda or bitters and soda. 3) Be more aware and mindful of my drinking -- when I reach for a drink, take 15 seconds and ask myself "is this truly what you want? do you want to change?"
This hamster wheel makes me feel sad and weak; I stopped drinking for nearly a year before L came along, so I know I can do it. For the next four weeks I commit to this experiment, and if at the end I have not been able to make change, I commit to seeking external help.
Seeking external help is a scary prospect to me for a variety of reasons. I think that there is a part of me inside that doesn't want to change. I think that part of me is afraid of what life will be like when alcohol is reduced or gone. It's such a part of my routine and I hold the belief (true or not) that it helps me relax. Or that it's my little getaway when L is screaming, crying, or generally introducing chaos. What will my getaway be then? Maybe it's as simple as leaning into that chaos -- cuddle her, take her outside, just generally focus my energy there. Maybe when I need a 'getaway' I should instead respond by embracing whatever I'm trying to get away from.
It's also a scary prospect to me because of the guilt and shame I feel around it. I think there is a part of me inside that feels like my alcohol abuse is a character flaw, a flaw that I believe I hide well. Getting external help puts this all out in the open for everyone to see -- me, S, the doctor. Well, I guess that's not exactly "everyone". But it's still scary.
But the reasons to change are overwhelming. I feel like my relationship with S is strained right now; we're in disagreement about having a second child. He feels overwhelmed with responsibility, and drinking can't be helping with that. When I drink, I am diminished -- my decisions are not thoughtful, my emotions are more volatile, my focus is on the drink rather than the life going on around me. Less alcohol I believe will help me better engage with my life, rather than checking out for hours each evening. Even though I am not typically drunk most days, I do disengage with what's going on around me and into the small private world of being buzzed. As I write this, I see that I am in the pattern of disengaging from about 5pm - 9pm, whether I need to or not. There are SO many other approaches to take, many of which are very productive rather than diminishing. Take on one of those 30+ tasks around buying the house; read to L from a long book; sit outside and take in the mountain air and birdsong. Shoot, even just watch a TV show.
Ok self, I wish you good luck in this four week experiment.
Since then, I've had periods of less drinking, and periods of more, but overall it's remained pretty consistent that I continue to drink more than I feel is acceptable. Sometimes it's just 2 drinks, but more frequently it's 4-5 each evening.
I'm going to try a different approach. I created a spreadsheet where for the next four weeks I will record my planned and actual amount of drinking. Given that right now I am tending towards 4-5 drinks per day, I am going to first taper that rather than going to 0 immediately. That approach has not worked for me time and again. I will make a plan one week at a time, and record my results each day.
Also, I have set a deadline in my calendar for 4 weeks from now, August 13. If I have not made a significant change, then I commit to making an appointment with the family health center to explore how to get external help.
Other strategies that I plan to pursue are 1) reduce the amount of alcohol we keep in the house. Normally we have a stocked wine cabinet and stocked liquor cabinet with gin, vodka, bourbon, tequila, and all sorts of apertifs, bitters, etc. My typical go-to's are gin, white wine, rose wine, and bourbon. S regularly partakes in gin and white wine, so those will be the hardest for me to deal with since they will be around. 2) Lean on low alcohol options, like Lilet and soda or bitters and soda. 3) Be more aware and mindful of my drinking -- when I reach for a drink, take 15 seconds and ask myself "is this truly what you want? do you want to change?"
This hamster wheel makes me feel sad and weak; I stopped drinking for nearly a year before L came along, so I know I can do it. For the next four weeks I commit to this experiment, and if at the end I have not been able to make change, I commit to seeking external help.
Seeking external help is a scary prospect to me for a variety of reasons. I think that there is a part of me inside that doesn't want to change. I think that part of me is afraid of what life will be like when alcohol is reduced or gone. It's such a part of my routine and I hold the belief (true or not) that it helps me relax. Or that it's my little getaway when L is screaming, crying, or generally introducing chaos. What will my getaway be then? Maybe it's as simple as leaning into that chaos -- cuddle her, take her outside, just generally focus my energy there. Maybe when I need a 'getaway' I should instead respond by embracing whatever I'm trying to get away from.
It's also a scary prospect to me because of the guilt and shame I feel around it. I think there is a part of me inside that feels like my alcohol abuse is a character flaw, a flaw that I believe I hide well. Getting external help puts this all out in the open for everyone to see -- me, S, the doctor. Well, I guess that's not exactly "everyone". But it's still scary.
But the reasons to change are overwhelming. I feel like my relationship with S is strained right now; we're in disagreement about having a second child. He feels overwhelmed with responsibility, and drinking can't be helping with that. When I drink, I am diminished -- my decisions are not thoughtful, my emotions are more volatile, my focus is on the drink rather than the life going on around me. Less alcohol I believe will help me better engage with my life, rather than checking out for hours each evening. Even though I am not typically drunk most days, I do disengage with what's going on around me and into the small private world of being buzzed. As I write this, I see that I am in the pattern of disengaging from about 5pm - 9pm, whether I need to or not. There are SO many other approaches to take, many of which are very productive rather than diminishing. Take on one of those 30+ tasks around buying the house; read to L from a long book; sit outside and take in the mountain air and birdsong. Shoot, even just watch a TV show.
Ok self, I wish you good luck in this four week experiment.
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